January 1999

Dear Family & Friends,

The loss of Sebastian has been filled with a mix of sorrow and victory. I feel compelled to put into writing the words that I've spoken to many of you over the last week.

On Friday night, August 30, 1996, I went into labor with Sebastian. Feeling sure that a homebirth was what I wanted for my husband, and myself I phoned our midwives, my friend Tonya and my sister Kelly. While it was still daylight, I prayed and for the first time in my life, I placed my complete trust in God to lead me.

When Sebastian was born, he didn't begin breathing right away. The midwives began massaging him and told us to keep talking to him. The room was buzzing with activity that included grabbing more blankets and turning on a free flowing oxygen tank.

I remember feeling at peace when I felt the presence of a hand on my left shoulder and a man's voice telling me, "He is going to be fine, he just needs a little time." Soon after, Sebastian began crying and breathing regularly. Everyone left the room and Doc and I lay on the bed with Sebastian. Doc said, "I have never been so scared in my entire life." With bewilderment, I asked him why and almost said, "didn't you hear him?" It was then that I realized that that voice was God and He was in that very room, touched me and spoke to me.

On Friday morning, December 25, 1998, our family woke and opened presents. Sebastian threw a toy at Stephanie and said, "Don't want it!" We went over to Aunt Toni & Uncle Wally's house and Sebastian's breaths were becoming more and more difficult for him to take so we returned home.

As we were driving home, we noticed a rainbow in the sky. Remembering that God sent a rainbow as a sign of his promise to Noah, we were reminded of other promises that God has sent and were filled with peace. His promises to always be with us and to always give us what we need for every situation were the two that came to my mind.

We took Sebastian to our bedroom and Steve Jr., Stephanie, Sam, Spencer, his Daddy and I continued to pray for a miracle of healing for him. His grandparents, aunts and uncles were able to spend time with him as well as Jeff, Sue and Larry from church.

Sometime around nine at night, Grandma Dolores came in to say goodnight. Sebastian was so weak and could hardly move so we were all very surprised to see him lift his skinny little arm straight up with his index finger pointing heavenward. After several moments, he reached his other arm out as if he were about to be picked up.

With his Daddy to his left and me to his right, he continued to breathe laboriously. Pastor Vic came over to pray with us when Sebastian surprised us again by beginning to speak. Pastor Vic jumped to his feet excitedly and told us that he heard him say, "Look Up." We did just that by praying to God and asking for His presence to be known in that room.

A little later, I took a nap with Sebastian and we slept well for about an hour. Sometime after midnight, his Daddy came up and took a nap with him while I cleaned the room of medical clutter and replaced it with a picture of all of his brothers and sisters, soft candle light, the Isabel Bloom statue "Comfort," and the Newman Singers "Awakenings" on the CD player.

With my back to him, Sebastian let out a little moan. I turned to see what he wanted, felt his heart begin to slow and woke his Daddy. I took his hands into mine and looked into his eyes. There were little tears in his eyes as he let out another little moan and took his last breath at 2:05am.

I turned off the oxygen tank, unhooked the morphine pump and removed the catheter from his bladder. We held him, sobbed and praised God for the privilege of being his parents. After about forty minutes, I called Pastor Vic for instructions on what to do next. I called Terri for more guidance and then woke Steve Jr. and Stephanie. Grandma & Grandpa Dockery were staying with us and Grandma Jean was woken up by phone. Even Sam was woken up at four in the morning.

The week that lead up to that day began with the question, "How much worse can he get?" His little heart pounded so fast, his breath was short and difficult and he was covered in sweat for several days. It was as if we had to witness the suffering to know deep in our hearts that he is indeed in a much better place now.

Never once did we stop praying for a miracle of healing. Never once did we ask God that if he wasn't going to physically heal him could he make sure that we were at home in the room that he was born in, in the middle of the night with candle light, music from the Newman Center (our Dance Marathon sponsors and touch of Iowa City) in the arms of his Daddy while his Mommy held his hands?

Were we devastated? Absolutely. Did we have doubts? Naturally. Did we feel confused? Certainly. Did we sense the presence of God? Undoubtedly. Did we feel peace? Amazingly. Did we make it through the day? Graciously.

Only our great and merciful God could speak words that were so appropriate for the hour of his birth as well as the hour of his death. "HE IS GOING TO BE FINE. HE JUST NEEDS A LITTLE TIME." He is fine now and he only needed a little time to make an impact on this world.

I can't imagine what the weeks and months to come will bring except more peace and more pain. I have written every month for the last year and will probably continue to give family updates that will include the date and time of the tree planting party at Prospect Park in the spring or summer.

So, a huge thank you to all of you who have done so much for our entire family over the last year. Every encouraging word, prayer lifted up, dish prepared, money sent, medical procedure completed and deed done touched the life of Sebastian and so will be treasured in our hearts forever. Even if it didn't seem like much to you, it meant more than you can possibly imagine so consider yourself blessed to have been a part of this incredible journey that has only just begun.

In God's Abundant Love,

Steve Sr. ("Doc") & Tracy

Michele, Steve Jr., Stephanie, Samuel, & Spencer